My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
