hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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