I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
