i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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