i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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