i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I can't turn off my feet"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
