I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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