apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
