hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
