dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
