Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
