i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
