remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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