Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
