its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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