I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
