I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
