Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
