He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
