It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
