Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
