can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
