It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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