Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
