The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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