At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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