yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
