I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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