do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
