I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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