my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
