i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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