Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
