Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
