I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You are the jesus of drinking
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