How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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