Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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