ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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