Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
