I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Someone came in the potted fern
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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