Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
