1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
