I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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