My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
