we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
