i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
