ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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