Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
