Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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