my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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