About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
