I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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