When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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