you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
