it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
