his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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