i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
