when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
