she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
