I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
