Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
