The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
