Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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